It's hard to explain it, but I get it - part 4

Well, last time I skipped ONE week. This time... I don't even know. It's been a whirlwind and sometimes in life we have to know where to let go. Some things just have to fall off the list for a while or sometimes forever. Things are beginning to change again - I swear 'New Normal' is a constant in the Meyer house these days. There is so much I will be sharing going forward about some life journeys we are having or will be having.

So today, I finish the story. The story of Scotti & me. You will also get a glimpse of battles in life we both have. But first, let me briefly refresh you. At the end of my last post I shared how she had a stressful moment with my daughter, which caused stress for me at work, and then she ran out of my house crying before I got home. I knew she needed her space. BUT you guys - it was MONTHS! I would occasionally send her a message telling her I loved her or missed her, but she never responded. My mind played games with me and told me how I handled everything terribly and how it would never be the same.

I was right about how it would never be the same. It's so much better now. We still have areas to grow, like everyone, but we talk about just about all the things now.

The day finally came where Scottijo came back around. There was this big elephant in the room and she seemed so uncomfortable. I wanted to scream - "For crying out loud, stop it already, you are loved!" Finally when I went to nurse Orion to sleep in his room she followed me into the room and sat as far away as she could. I shake my head when I think about it. Finally in the quiet I broke the awkwardness and quietly and carefully said something along the lines "We may not always see eye to eye, we may have hard moments, but I will always love you. No matter what." We may have both cried. Which is something I do easily but something Scotti tries to NOT do.

After that she began coming around more. Like every couple of days. She'd just come and take naps on or couch, hold Orion, watch movies with me. AND we began the coaching that I had promised her for watching Orion when I went back to work. It's different coaching someone you know and love. The other thing that is hard with coaching is that you learn a lot about how that person feels and how they perceive things. She had a lot to handle, so much. She was trying to figure out what she wanted it life instead what she felt she had to be. She was exploring the process of really embracing herself and falling in love with herself. I'd ask questions, hard questions, and she'd say "I don't know" and my response would be "that's an excuse". She tried to give me that a lot. Now, not so much. It was so fun to watch her learn things about herself. She was trying so hard to run away you guys. Do you know that feeling?

The more I saw her struggle. The more I saw her cry. The more I watched her not be able to move forward and function. The more I hurt for her. You see, those who battle anxiety or depression in life can literally become non-functioning. This is her battle. And I have watched it disable her at times. So when you add hard things in life to her plate, she just can't. Fear is a spirit and it weighs you down. I have observed this heavily and learned to understand it on an entirely new level. As I watched, as I learned, I loved even more.

Something I have learned from being someone who was and still can be very fearful, and a mama to a child who fights this is you can't tell someone who has anxiety or depression or is scared to "get over it" or to "not think about it" or to "let it go", "just push through". It is more than that. That doesn't cut it for someone who is truly fighting it. I know this because as a little girl I prayed for God to lock Satan up so he couldn't put anything scary in my mind. I would walk home from work in college, no I would run, because there may be someone hiding in the bushes. I was constantly worried about something, I had a belly ache daily. I didn't understand then, I do now. Thankfully God can free us from this.

So, Chad and I offered to let her stay, with us. Why? Well, she expressed that she felt calm at our house. AND because we hoped we could be the influence she needed to take care of herself. Take care of herself in a way that allowed her to take some big steps she needed to take. I think many people can say they have experienced a season of life where no matter how much parents love or try to help, it doesn't matter. This is hard on parents, because it's their job, right? She knew this would be hard, so did we. So, nothing happened. But one day she asked us if the offer was still open and she moved in. It was hard.

She was a nanny for a family so we worked out a schedule that she would help with Orion so I had time to work on my business a few hours a week. When the summer was over, she was home everyday with me and O. This is when we really began to grow. Morning coffee and talks, walks, snuggles on the couch watching Netflix.

Six months into living with us she was ready to go back to school. It was so bittersweet. It was weird. We were so used to talking every single day. So, we began to do bible studies together and video chat. She'd video chat with me on her way to school. You see, by this time we talked about pretty much everything. I have often disagreed with her choices. So has Chad. We have often told her this. Yet the one thing we told her with it was, we love you no matter what.

Friends, she moved back last May or June. We all love having her here. I pray for her daily that she goes to God to fight her battles. I challenge her thinking. And although I don't know what I'd do anymore if she moved out forever, I pray she grabs a hold of what God has for her. And, I'll be honest we are in a bit of a funk right now. Why, we don't see each other. I'm working or she's working... BUT that is normal. Every type of relationship has funks. AND no matter the relationship, if you don't put time into it, it doesn't grow.

That being said, my favorite time with her is our coffee talks, or our talks on my bed while I nurse O to sleep. I love that we talk about REAL things. We talk about God - that is what really began our relationship. Connection is about talking about real things and accepting and loving each other right where they are at.

Friends, I hope this story spoke something to you. That God used it for His good.

Much Love,

Amanda